Healing is not a linear path. I share my story, not because I am proud of it or because I have reached the point where I yearn to be, but because I love how it shows the blessing of surrender, joy in sorrow, personal growth, and the deep, deep love of God.
I share this in hopes of holding space for this community and showing up as my full self. If you choose to read and follow, thank you in advance for your kindness and patience as I navigate this chapter of our story!
My infertility story does not start on my wedding day or holding a baby doll as a little girl. In all transparency, I did not always want to be a mom. I remember telling everyone who asked me I wanted to be a Christian nun, with no husband or no kids. Little did I know we genuinely do not have full control of our life events. As a young woman, my heart healed from many things, and my perspective changed. I longed for a partner and dreamt of a family with three boys.
Our first miscarriage occurred early on in our marriage; we lost twins in September 2012. I remember feeling so ashamed, scared, and angry. I felt so lost in my grief. My husband did such a fantastic job of walking through the heartache with me, simultaneously healing from his. We surrendered our dream of becoming parents to God. We began trying again and placed our trust that God would have His way in our lives. A year and a half later, our son, Jonah, was born, and with him came a deeper understanding of God's love. He was our answered prayer.
Sometime later, we became brave enough to start dreaming of another baby. Being so naive, we did not think much of what our journey would entail. Fast forward to 2020, after three heartbreaking miscarriages, we felt at peace about seeking out professional help. After several tests, results revealed that I have Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS), a hormonal disorder, and Hashimoto's disease, an autoimmune disorder, leading to my infertility. Based on historic medical records, we can't explain how I carried my son. He is such a miracle.
Psalm 113:9 is not a promise, but it's a reminder of what God can do – and I'm seeing Him do it in my life. "He settles the barren woman in her home as the happy mother of children. Praise the Lord!" God allowed me to give birth to my miracle baby, and I know He can do it again. Even if it doesn't happen the traditional way or at all, I am grateful to my support system and my loved ones' prayers. God isn't a genie in a bottle but a Father that loves and heals. This journey has been rough, and yet it has brought such a profound appreciation for God's plan. Although I still have so many questions, I trust that whatever this journey brings, I have a loving and understanding partner and a God that will sustain me through it.
I honestly believe that this experience helps me treasure every baby and family I get to work with even more. It is a MIRACLE that a mother can grow a baby and bring that baby into the world. I have come to love and appreciate how women I have met have become mothers, each in their own, perfect ways.
